illumination of woMAN

Peaking (not peeking) through....

2010-05-04T21:44:00.005-04:00

Something great is about to happen. Don't know what exactly. Don't really have any distinct indications of this happening but I'm certain it's near. Somehow it seems as though I just realized that four years of my life has past me. I'm sure I was there when it took place, but maybe I was somewhat asleep. Nah, I'm thinking I was awake but I may have lost myself along the way. I don't know but it's amazing how life will show you that as soon as you begin to think you know something ...#bam you know nothing.

One of the hardest things in life is when you realize things are not going to go as you planned. No matter how well-orchestrated that plan may have been. You know Christ really does know all because it often takes such reality checks to force you to draw closer to Him. This is month five of 2010 and this, I believe, has been the most non-defined, complex, confusing period I've ever experienced in life. It's easy when circumstances force you to make decisions. But what a test it is to have to step outside of your comfort zone and make decisions that you truly don't what to make but you have to make. We often blame others, our jobs, families, friends, enemies, and any other element for our own discomfort or unhappiness. However, what I've found is that we are largely to blame for the situations we are in and the people we allow to infiltrate our circle of serenity.

I wonder if we really understand the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference".

The unknown is what I once viewed as frightening but the wisdom of understanding the things I can and cannot change gives me such a different perspective. I can't tell you where I'll be 6 months, 12 months, or 24 months from now. Strangely enough for me, that's ok. It is something about a rebirth that is as innocent as the youth of a child. After many, many, many prayers for answers, directions, and confirmations, I have come to the conclusion that all that I have experienced is only positioning me for the road ahead. Thus, the answer won't be revealed on one sign rather through the cumulation of several signs over many miles.

Tomorrow will mark four years that I invested, loved, gave, shared, hoped, dreamed, planned, and believed in something special with someone special. I am only reminded of everything that isn't. Sometimes you can no longer give others the option to choose. Is it easy? no. Is it complicated? very. But. All is fair in love and war, right? It really is...what it is. And as much love as there is for you, I love me so much more. Selfish, you say? *smiles* You'll understand one day. I hope.

So flawed is she... yes. But I am certain the genuine, faithful, committed, humble, loving, Godly, moral, conscious-being in me will not exist in vain. It could only be peace from heaven that could keep a smile in my heart despite the different areas of life that have seemed to leak oxygen :) And somehow the flower still blooms.

I will not ask for anything else in my life until I am faithful over the many things that I've already been giving. Note to self: Your strive to help others has been hindered by your own brokenness. #wow

They're out to bury you....

2010-04-22T22:17:00.009-04:00

it's life versus death, ignorance versus ego, a book versus a gun, and our babies just trying to live...

I sit and wonder where exactly are we headed. I mean on a spiritual level, I am certain the end is near so some things will take place divinely regardless. But the future of us, our community, our families, our plain ol' moral disposition. We have to see a distinct contrast between the generation that came before us and the generation that will proceed us. How could one generation sacrifice so much for another and yet we seemingly could care less about the next?

Of course, that can't be so. We do care, right?? I promise you it's almost like I woke up one day and realized folk transformed into one-track minded individuals. Caring only for self. My God, what happened to our backbone, our structure, our faith, our love, our respect... man, the world in which I'm raising a daughter is quite scary.

I'm a bit angry. I'm angry at those who are angry with the way things are and the way our youth seem to be lost. The thing is I had direction, I had teachers, I had role models (real ones not stars)...I had hope. So I say to those who are angry what role did (are) you play in teaching, guiding, supporting, encouraging??? Every day I'm amazed at the lack of substance that some of our folk seem to have. Grown folk, those who know better, but choose to make excuses for their behavior and obsolete conscious. I only wonder do we fully grasp what we're up against. In the midst of excuses, when are we going to pull together, take responsibility and clean up our own communities. Yet that poses the question, how on earth can we possibly build our communities when the root of the community, our families, is decaying?

Damn.

And I'll be honest, the more I think about our fate, I get angry at myself. Because the question is...Rook what you gonna do about it??? *drops pen*

Stay tuned.

They're out to bury me. They're out to bury you. We better arm ourselves.

This Tuesday.

2010-03-09T22:36:00.008-05:00

As this day comes to a close, I sit and wonder how exactly did I get here. I mean this place, at this time, at this point in my life. Guess what they say is true...want to make God laugh...tell him your plans. And boy did I have plans and still do. I just wouldn't have quite thought they would have played out this way.

You know I hate feeling sorry for myself. I mean who am I? To really have the audacity to question or be dissatisfied with my current place in this life. I often wonder how many things do I really have buried so deep away even a miner couldn't find it. I mean all I've ever known was to do, to go, to strive, to be. Strength. I had to have it. My mother had it and in my eyes she never missed a beat.

So yes, all these years I've been the strong woman. Enduring but pressing. On and on I've went, making plans, executing them, and enjoying the fruits of my labor. Yet, it's still not enough. I've hit a boulder in the middle of the road and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. This may sound normal but you don't understand I am Rook. I always know the next move. I always have the eye of strategy. And yet for the first time, everything around me has stopped. Or maybe everything else is moving and I'm the one motionless.

I'm tired of being disappointed and my mind is bothered that I even care I've been disappointed. I am supposed to be invincible. Yeah I know, you can laugh. But you don't understand my story. Or the story of so many other woman who make it happen, by almost any means necessary regardless of the inner leeches that seek to destroy...all with a smile on your face.

So what am I saying? I don't know :/ Strength, focus, drive, motivation, JESUS...I need ya... One wise brother said today, "All hell is breaking loose because you are right on the verge of the most revolutionary time in your life!!"

...to be continued....

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the SMILE on your face -Tyrese

Better.

2010-03-08T12:26:00.007-05:00

There sometimes comes a point in your life when you decide to do better.
Love better.
Give better.
Think better.

You look at past mistakes and failures and vow never again.
That thing called conscious emerges from within and serves as your life's permanent pilot.
You laugh, you love, you sing, and you live.

Broken hearts, bad seeds sown, and life's lessons.
Are a mere reminder of how far you've come.
How better you now are. And will be.

A personal mission to be the change you want to see in the world.
Real love.
True honor.
Unmeasurable respect.

If only society knew what you knew.
If only others understood your true meaning of love.
If only your heart's rhythm resonated through those in doubt.

then.
if only.
If only these words had remained true.

If only better had of really been better.
But once again the sun has come down.
All deeds of progression have come to a halt.

Yeah you know all the great adages about life and love.
Doesn't matter.
Irrelevant.

How do you convince yourself to forget your new found pain.
And just keep getting better.
HOW can your strive for better-ness seem to always end in worse-ness?

Left alone to wonder how did you get here?
How could love have led you astray?
What is love anyway, you wonder.

There's the heart, there's the mind, and then there's the truth.
Who's to blame?
Love. Life. or maybe Better.

So what's next?

The End.

Stay tuned...

2009-11-19T00:47:00.000-05:00

..still ironing out some wrinkles. Tired of fooling with code tonight...to be continued :)

I'm still here!! LOL

2009-11-08T23:02:00.002-05:00

Ok, Ok...I know its been a minute..I'm actually still not technically back but at the request of a special blogger, I thought I'd make a post :) I'm really thinking about taking this blog in a whole new direction. Whether or not anyone will visit...doesn't really matter LOL It will be more of a release for me. Anyhoo....here is an update of some MORE foolishness going on in the world of politics SMH...

Stay tuned...more to come....one day...soon...don't know when!! :)

Owens Breaks 4 Campaign Promises in first hour in Congress

GOUVERNEUR, NY - Congressman-elect Bill Owens was sworn in at noon today.

Owens indicated in a press release released shortly afterwards that he was now in favor of the the "Affordable Healthcare for America Act" bill in direct contrast to his earlier position during the election campaign.

According to Politico.com, Mr. Owens assured voters that he felt the public option had no place in the health care reform bill. Contrary to that position, Mr. Owens now indicates that he intends to vote in favor of the bill even though it now contains a public option.

Mr. Owens also indicated during his campaign that he was firmly opposed to cutting Medicare benefits, taxing health care benefits, and increased taxes on the middle class in any way as you can see clearly in the screenshot below, taken directly from Mr. Owens' campaign website.

The House Health reform bill contains sections that cut Medicare benefits, tax existing health care benefits, and increases taxes on the middle class, yet Mr. Owens stated today that he will now vote in favor of those things contrary to what he had promised the voters of NY's 23rd Congressional District that he would vote against.

Some highlights:

-HR 3962 also includes a range of various taxes on middle-class families as well as language to repeal tax relief already in place.

-HR 3962 now also contains language that allows illegal immigrants to be covered under the legislation.

-In a speech made to Congress a short time ago, President Obama had stated that the bill would not contain support for illegal immigrants - a statement for which he was called a "liar" by Rep. Joe Wilson.

Source

What does father's day mean to me?

2009-06-21T12:36:00.004-04:00

It's amazing the things I can remember from childhood. I remember the days my mother lived as a single mother who had to work 3rd shift and then I remember when I was about 7 my mother got married to my stepfather. He has been me, my sister and my brother's dad every since. He came in and loved us as we were his own and we always called him daddy.

I honestly never thought about my "real" father. I truly believed that his presence was none existent and not in a bad way. I never went through the "I hate him, why isn't he here?" stage because I felt I had a daddy and that's all that mattered. The older I became I sometimes heard people relate how I dealt with certain issues to the fact that I never had my biological father in my life. I thought that was utterly ridiculous. How could I want or need something I never had or better yet, how could I want or need something that I did indeed already have??!

So today many years later, I sit and wonder and reflect back on my life. It just recently dawned on me that the man who was responsible for my life never once made an effort to get to know me. Not one birthday, not one school event, not one holiday, not one phone call, and not one single thought of me (that I know of, anyway). I remember after I graduated high school my mother told me she received notice in the mail to appear in court. After 18 years of absence and barely paying a measly $25/wk (which he was behind $8k at the time), this man had the audacity to file a motion with the court to make sure his child support was ended b/c I was 18.

Out of all the things to remember I guess when I turned 18, was the most important. At that time I had no visual memory of this man so I decided that I would accompany my mother to court that day. So I drove three hours and sat patiently waiting for the case to be called. Waiting to get a glimpse of the man everyone said I greatly favored. Everything went very swiftly and with only a few words spoken the case had ended just like that. So my mother and I got up and walked out. It was a very small courthouse so we knew he would have to pass us to exit out. I stood and waited. Not sure exactly what I was waiting for. To see him up close?? Maybe to see if he had anything to say to me?? I don't know. Then just like that he walked by us, not even blinking, got in his car and left. Not one word. No eye contact. Just stormed out and left.

How do I feel now? I feel fine. At least I think so. Sometimes I wonder if there truly is a pain that exist but is hidden so deep, I convince myself its not there. One thing I do know is, God has giving me a forgiving heart and all is well in my soul :)

Today, on Father's Day, I thank the man who is and has always been my daddy. I pray for my biological one and hope before he leaves this earth he realizes the err of his ways. To all the wonderful fathers in this world, you are so greatly loved and appreciated. To all the uncles, cousins, brothers, mentors, neighbors, etc. who step up and act as fathers...thank you. To all the single mothers who have to be fathers too....job well done. And to the bitter, hateful women who want allow their children to see their fathers...shame on you. Realize that life is not all about you and do what is right. NO ONE can every replace the love a man gives.....Happy Father's Day!

Is God Going Out of Style??

2009-06-18T04:35:00.005-04:00

I am often amazed at the lack-of God's love shown by Christians or better yet, "church folks". They can sometimes quote numerous scriptures and chastise others for not abiding by the Word of God but yet fail to apply the scripture to themselves and LIVE the Word they are professing. Some would argue that the bible is a matter of interpretation and that is somewhat true. However, the most riveting, non-disputable facet of the bible is Jesus Christ. The life he lived, the power of his love, the selflessness of his death and the unwavering measure of His grace and mercy. Somehow Christ has become diluted in the lives of Christians. The bitter, confrontational, judgmental, unforgiving, unloving behavior of some does not mirror the Jesus I know.

What we fail to realize is that we cannot force people to believe what we believe. It's call choice. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. (Rev3:20) It does not say behold I stand at the door and knock, whether or not any man hears my voice, I am busting the door in and forcing him to believe because I know his soul is headed for destruction.

T.D. Jakes writes:
Many times majority groups think that their views control the country, which for me as a Christian is a great idea. But what happens when and if the numbers switch and we aren’t the majority? The founding fathers created a democratic system that separated church from state so that, as a country, we could avoid the slippery slope of getting into the business of telling people what to believe. That is a job they left to be determined by the individual, the synagogue, the mosque and the church!

A country that has one national religion as its only compass is much more of a theocracy than a democracy. That kind of tyranny leads to witch burning, spiritual genocide, forced and fraudulent expressions of faith, and God knows what else. As wonderful as faith is, faith out of control can be lethal.

I love democracy because it is designed to keep the government from telling me when and how to serve communion, and it allows room for debate without dominance. Religious people will never agree on everything within or outside of the bounds of the church. Democracy allows that debate without polluting it further with political intervention as long as that debate doesn’t infringe on another human’s rights. Lately, it is my view that religion has become increasingly a servant to politics, and whenever a flame is needed to move a candidate or party closer to power, they ignite the flame of the faith community by playing on controversial issues and fear. This isn’t new religious jargon; it’s the same lingo that moved the civil rights movement forward. It disannulled the religious language that slave owners used to justify their hideous abuse of African men and women in our history. Communism enforced an atheistic view that denied its citizens the pursuit of an open practice of faith.

Why is it that:

We only show up to fight other people in the press, but never to love anyone or help anyone. We appear angry and militant,
Faith groups are locked behind stained glass windows while other groups and ideas have taken their messages to Hollywood and elsewhere, reaching people where they are, rather than asking people to come to them,
We have allowed our message to become contaminated with politics and self-interest,
Religious people and their self-righteous piety have lost the respect of the secular world.

Could it be:

Faith is leaving organized religion and becoming a matter of personal relationships that are seemingly more meaningful than associations incubated behind hallowed walls.

Coming Soon: Food, Inc

2009-05-23T15:28:00.004-04:00

I've been away for a bit now but I'll be back shortly with somewhat of a new direction for this "blog" :) Here's a must see movie (at least I think so) coming June 12th. Question for the day: Do you know what you're eating???

In Food, Inc., filmmaker Robert Kenner lifts the veil on our nation's food industry, exposing the highly mechanized underbelly that's been hidden from the American consumer with the consent of our government's regulatory agencies, USDA and FDA. Our nation's food supply is now controlled by a handful of corporations that often put profit ahead of consumer health, the livelihood of the American farmer, the safety of workers and our own environment. We have bigger-breasted chickens, the perfect pork chop, insecticide-resistant soybean seeds, even tomatoes that won't go bad, but we also have new strains of e coli--the harmful bacteria that causes illness for an estimated 73,000 Americans annually. We are riddled with widespread obesity, particularly among children, and an epidemic level of diabetes among adults.

Food, Inc. reveals surprising -- and often shocking truths -- about what we eat, how it's produced, who we have become as a nation and where we are going from here.

Say Word Video: OUR Government

2009-02-18T22:50:00.005-05:00

Ok ok, I know it's been awhile. But moving right along :).... I'm so sick of our trifling government I don't know what to do. The lies, the mind control, the blatant deception from our food supply to our basic privacy rights. I'm not sure if I should just start a new blog, "Our Government and the Bull They Want You to Believe"!! LOL I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that one. But for now, here are a few videos concerning our wonderful government. I already know some of you will simply chalk up my next few posts to conspiracy theory nonsense and hey, I say, believe what you want OR better yet believe what they want you to! Ya dig.

I'm refreshed....

2008-12-16T12:15:00.003-05:00

Yeah I know. I've been missing for a minute. Aside from just being busy, I just haven't been motivated to write. Not that I'm here writing novels or anything but something has to push my fingers to type or else they want move. Make sense? LOL My birthday is next week and I'm so excited and blessed to have made it through another year. I wouldn't allow myself to list one complaint, even if I kinda wanted to :)

I've heard change is DIVINE in '09. So I can't wait to see what the new year has in store.

Could It Be.....President Barack Obama

2008-11-05T12:32:00.000-05:00

I love these guys. Just no words.....

Who are you?

2008-10-22T09:44:00.007-04:00

Are you to blame?
Of course not.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

I've never acknowledged your existence,
Never given power to your name.
Never needed you then, or now.
Or maybe I did, or do.
But who are you?

Did your absence in my mind,
flee to your presence in my soul?
Couldn't be.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

How can I miss what I never had?
How could you dismiss the essence of you?
I couldn't care.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

Strong and independent is the only being I know.
Past failures are mines, not yours.
But what if....what if you created this botch.
Could you admit that?
Would I accept that?
But who are you?

No memories of you.
Only the ones I made up in my dreams.
The woman in me want allow me to go back.
There's nothing left to fix.
He did what you were never man enough to do.

So on I go....
No hate for you, only love,
but why daddy,
do I ask....
Who are you?

Sometimes

2008-10-20T09:33:00.004-04:00

Sometimes in life, you don't get second chances.

Sometimes in love, you lose.

Sometimes, sorry isn't enough.

Sometimes, realization comes a little too late.

Sometimes, joy ends in pain.

Sometimes, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

Sometimes, time isn't on your side.

Sometimes, if loving you is wrong...I DO wanna be right.

Sometimes, love loves conditionally.

Sometimes, love doesn't have anything to do with it.

Sometimes, you don't miss the wind until it fails to soothe your soul.

Sometimes, love can love you and leave you.

Sometimes, a hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain.

Sometimes, like this time, it can't be undone...

Sometimes, just sometimes... it is the door closer.

And sometimes, the some time is the now time.

Think About It: Hurt

2008-10-19T20:24:00.003-04:00

How can you understand hurt when you've never experienced it yourself? To me some things can ONLY be taught (or learned) through self experience. Point blank...no in between, no exceptions. First let's define hurt. We're not talking about getting your feelings hurt or being disappointed. We're talking about real hurt, real pain, real heartbreak. Humm, heartbreak....go with me for a moment.

Heartbreak is waking up, to only realize you never went to sleep. Heartbreak is when you literally feel pain aching through your chest, you can't eat and you can't think. Heartbreak is a lonely place with only you in it, it's dark and it's cold. There are blankets in this room but you don't have the strength to reach them. Desolate.... There's nothing or no one to console you. Minutes turn into hours, days into months and still no relief in sight. What have I ever done so bad to deserve this, you wonder? Heartbreak I tell you...is the place where tears run empty. If what I describe is unfamiliar to you, then rest assure you've never experienced hurt and surely you've never confronted heartbreak.

And the funny thing is, there is good that comes from heartbreak that makes it soooo worth it. Now one would question how the heck anything good could come from pain and heartbreak. You would think that from the heartbreak I describe a permanent vessel of scorn would be born. Maybe in some unfortunate cases that might be true but for most, not. You never fully understand what giving is until something has been taken from you. Make sense? LOL

How could that be?

I can only explain it the way I've come to know it. You live life so carefree, you love so careless, you live without living. Then one day life slaps you dead in the face and when you're able to cope, overcome and move forward you never, ever look at life the same. I now appreciate life and people. I'm now aware of how my actions affect others and most importantly, hurt has taught me how to love unselfishly, with thought and with consideration. I would never want to cause anyone the pain that was caused to me. Hurt ironically brings out our most conscious, enlightened, amorous being.

Hurt...it's life's gift to us.

Say Word Video: "Our" US of A

2008-10-16T11:13:00.002-04:00

I often wonder about those who claim to be "Christians" and to love God. I don't know of a Jesus of hate and division. I often wonder if people read. Because the Jesus I read about is of love and peace. Love, the most misconstrued word there is. I really wish people knew and genuinely understood the true meaning of that word. You know, I really want to be angry about the same ignorant mentality that exists today, and to be honest I somewhat am. But I'm more sad and disappointed. Yet, there is still peace within. I will never take my eye off the prize. I will never allow the hatred of others to force me to spew the same. Despite the bad, there is good. Despite hate, there is love. Despite darkness, there is sunshine. I love life and all that it brings. And instead of focusing on the bad things I can't change, I will focus on the things I can change. It's easy to say what should or shouldn't be, but ask yourself what are you doing to make things better? If you don't have an answer, you may just be one of the ones making it worse??? Ya dig.

Video: Just for Laughs!

2008-10-06T11:30:00.002-04:00

SNL - VP Debate

Hummm...What??

2008-09-29T22:11:00.002-04:00

Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

AND just for fun....

Couric: You've said, quote, "John McCain will reform the way Wall Street does business." Other than supporting stricter regulations of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years ago, can you give us any more example of his leading the charge for more oversight?

Palin: I think that the example that you just cited, with his warnings two years ago about Fannie and Freddie - that, that's paramount. That's more than a heck of a lot of other senators and representatives did for us.

Couric: But he's been in Congress for 26 years. He's been chairman of the powerful Commerce Committee. And he has almost always sided with less regulation, not more.

Palin: He's also known as the maverick though, taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government.

Couric: But can you give me any other concrete examples? Because I know you've said Barack Obama is a lot of talk and no action. Can you give me any other examples in his 26 years of John McCain truly taking a stand on this?

Palin: I can give you examples of things that John McCain has done, that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is what America needs today.

Couric: I'm just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation.

Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you. WHAT????

(Source, CNN)
(Source, CBSNews)

Video: ---"Mrs. Maverick"

2008-09-29T14:35:00.005-04:00

It's Monday, the bailout failed (not that I'm suggesting it shouldn't have), the Dow is down 600 points, and I don't know about you but I need a good laugh... No description needed!!

I'm Tired

2008-09-14T00:01:00.005-04:00

Yeah I know. I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. Well what can I say. I just haven't been motivated to write anything. First off, let me say I in no way consider myself to be a "writer" but for me I have to feel like writing. And for some reason my fingers haven't been able to translate the chaos cluttering my brain waves. I'm just tired... mentally.

I'm a fixer, that's what I do. From professional to personal, I study, analyze, formalute solutions, execute test and voila....I fix things! So I have problems when I'm confronted with something, that I may not be able fix. Truth is I'm not sure if I even what to be a fixer anymore. I just wonder what happens between the point where you want to fix and the point where you don't want to fix. Dang, what happens? The more I think I'm wiser, the more I see I'm still a young dummy. LOL Better than an old fool, I guess.

I've never been a person to quit, but I'm tired. Not one ounce of fight left in me, not one grain of motivation in sight....even the reservoir is on E. What do you do when you see, what you thought was your future, go right down the drain? And surprisingly a part of you doesn't even care. Man, when you've given until there's nothing left to give...when your cries of despair have fallen upon deaf ears...when you saw the storm coming. What now?

I'm tired. And I just wonder where the fight comes from in other relationships that seem to stand the test of time. Who said fight anyway? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe it was and we were just meant to regret things later. Who knows. How can 80% be on point but the dreaded 20% stand so strong? Who the heck said 20% was insignificant anyway?? Too many questions, but yet no answers. Whatever, I'm pretty sure none of this will make sense tomorrow :)......I'm going to bed.

You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings, So Many Times I Tried To Tell You, That You Were Losing Me, But You Never Tried To Make Things Better, You Didnt Choose To See My Pain, Now I've Got One Thing Left To Say, It Was You

Say Word Video: Meet the MAVERICK!

2008-09-05T10:28:00.001-04:00

Sorry...

2008-09-04T15:43:00.009-04:00

...being a woman is not enuff
...being a hottie want cut it
...being a ~~grandmother~~ mother with a special needs child is not a plausible platform

Let's take a moment to highlight some of Mrs. Palin's fine words:

Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending [U.S. soldiers] out on a task that is from God. That’s what we have to make sure that we’re praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God’s plan. WHAT?! How dare you try and pimp my Jesus!

How about March 2007,

I haven’t really focused much on the war in Iraq. I heard on the news about the new deployments, and while I support our president, Condoleezza Rice and the administration, I want to know that we have an exit plan in place. Oh really, huh?

Palin told graduating students of the church's School of Ministry, "What I need to do is strike a deal with you guys." As they preached the love of Jesus throughout Alaska, she said, she'd work to implement God's will from the governor's office, including creating jobs by building a pipeline to bring North Slope natural gas to North American markets.
"God's will has to be done in unifying people and companies to get that gas line built, so pray for that," she said. God's will, huh?

SORRY.... you can't pee on my head and tell me it's raining.
*eyes rolling*

AND just to tickle my insides.....Say Word Video below:

Well I'll be ...........

2008-08-29T11:02:00.003-04:00

Boy, oh boy the Republicans are mighty clever. Why am I not surprised that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was just name new VP candidate for the Republican ticket. Ahh the trickery. So here you go to all of you die hard feminist who were two steps away from falling into a mental seizure if you dared entertain the thought of voting for Barack Obama. I swear is it that hard to open your mind for just a moment. Forget black, white, man or woman...stimulate your mind people.

Anyway just put on your seat belts because the ride has just begun......

Stay tune for more frivolity from the Republicans and more witless thinking from our great American people..... I love it and you better believe THEY love it!

*peace, love and green hairgrease*

Say Word Video: Kids, Crack Kills Brain Cells!!

2008-08-25T13:05:00.002-04:00

This don't make no dang-gone sense. And to think I use to love these guys. Peep (1:50 mark)how they look at this fool like, oh well he aiight. You know the same way you look at your Uncle Pete when he falls out at the cookout..."yeah there he goes again" LOL

Who is this place?

2008-08-15T19:07:00.003-04:00

Who is this place?
The place that calms my spirit, the place that makes my internal radiance shimmer.
Who, not what, is this place?
A place that's so far away, yet connects precisely to one intellectual crux.
A place that takes me to so many places, all while never leaving.
Who is this place?
That sparks my ignition of passion, the place that inspires my thought-provoked being.
How dare this place, come into my place! ;)
*crickets chirp* ..... silence
*water drops* ..... silence
Peace looms, release finds escape, exhale shatters its cage
Who is this place, that holds such harmonious calms of pleasantry?
How can this place be so homey, when I don't even know it?
Unknown but familiar, untouched but tangible, new but finely aged.
Out reaches the hand of this place to me.
The warming waters of this place bubbles between my toes.
The accompanying winds wraps itself tightly around my psyche.
I like it.
So for now I don't know whence comes this place.
It has no return address, no expiration date, not even a stamp.
Only a cascade of purities addressed only to me.
Welcome, I hope you stay for a while....

Note To Self: Breaking Through

2008-07-23T00:04:00.007-04:00

The sun yet rises again and I find myself trapped behind this wall.
From Monday to Friday, from January to December, from 8-5pm it holds me captive.
It tells me this is where I belong, it tells me I have no where else to go.
Day by day by day, this wall squeezes me tighter and tighter
It's suffocating me yet it feeds me
My veins are bulging, my heart is racing, my voice yells silently
What do I do? Where do I go? Who do I tell?
Toughen up, they say. Be content. How dare you complain.
A tight wall is better than no wall, we all have to do it, ok.
Nah, it's not ok. Maybe you can't see the forest for the trees, but I can see the sky above the forest.
There's more, it has to be.
There's a purpose that I can't fight. It hangs on my side everyday.
Why are you hiding? What are you afraid of?
Who could have ever imagined that one's passion could run so deep.
Who would have known that the path to the soul was infinite.
Don't ignore the whispers. No not the noise but the whispers, the sweet melodies of ardor.
I do know why the caged birds sing.
The life and latency of the bird was never meant to be held in bondage.
So this being true, what now?
But when, but how, but what about.....
Today is here, another day is only hoping to be tomorrow.
There's a wall that needs breaking through.....missrook its on you.

You must not know...the Black Man's Sorrow

2008-07-19T02:57:00.006-04:00

Uneducated, uninspired, unloving is what you'd lead me to believe
Woman hater, unproductive, born and breeded criminal is what you'd swear to be true
From birth you've casted away, disregarded and stripped his spirit of all germane.
Set up to knock down,
Giving to, to only take away,
All love, joy, hope, perseverance diminishes by your watch.
Excuses I give, you say? Oppression you give, I say.
Do you know what I know, I say? Do you care to know, you say?
So you must not know, I say ....

Well let me just introduce you to him.
He's a grandfather, a father, an uncle, a brother, a son
He's the backbone of a family and the love of one's heart
He's the first one to rise and the last one to rest
He works day in and day out with no advancement in sight
He carries his load, unfairly as it is, but yet no complaints you hear
See he knows his path is different, he understands the rules to this game
The same, is what he wants
The same humanly respect
The same quality education for his son
The same pay for having to work twice as hard
Do you know?
Do you know the load he carries?
Do you know his feeling of disappointment and failure?
Do you know how you continue to grease his slope to success?
Do you know his anger? his resentment?
Do you know he's still expected to smile, although you've given him a permanent frown?
When does it get better, he ask? When can I feel like a man?

Gaze deep into his eyes, search long within his soul
Wipe the fog from your glasses and you'll see
Amongst the charcoal filled insides, there lies a light.
A light that beams so bright and warm.
It's so shiny and radiant, it almost pierces your eyes.
Yet you can't turn away.
Calmness can be found within the light,
Happiness, satisfaction, wholeness all radiate in the light.
If you tilt your head and listen real closely,
the light hums a song of proclamation.
A song of fulfillment, a song of love.
But suddenly the light is gone ...You've appeared.
In an instance, he has awaken to life.
So again I ask, do you know??

Nahh, you must not know...the Black Man's Sorrow.

Note to Self: Procrastination is .....

2008-07-15T21:27:00.004-04:00

Procrastination is a mugg.
Why do I procrastinate?
Help me, sweet Jesus!!

What should I be doing RIGHT now?

Washing dishes....I did get the water going, put the nice bubbles in, but......
Finishing a paper....I said I would do it last night but......
Tackling the file of papers sitting to my left.....eh...
Completing the remaining things on my to-do list for today.....I am for real in 30 mins....
Writing a to-do list for tomorrow to remind me of things I didn't do today.....maybe later....

Note to self: get yo' ish together!

Self to note: I am for real-real.

Tick-Tock

2008-07-12T22:48:00.004-04:00

Tick-tock, tick-tock,

The end is near.

The clock is speaking,

Can you hear it?

His finger so gently strokes my locks,

The gentleness of his lips on my cheek,

The smiles of two meet simultaneously as one.

All darkness is overtaken by the bright narrowing light emerging upon the two.

The moment.

Love, happiness, blithe.

But what happened to ....

And what about ....

All is forgotten,

In the moment.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The end is near.

The clock is speaking,

Can you hear it?

Suddenly anxiety arrives.

The bright light seems to dim.

Those fingers become so rigidly uninviting,

Those lips approach mysteriously.

The one smile of two is irretrievably broken.

The moment is no more.

Tick-tock, tick-tock

The clock is speaking,

Can you hear it?

The end is near.

The end is here.

....Not Like I Do You.

2008-07-10T10:41:00.005-04:00

The orange beam of early light pierces the curtain with intimate thoughts of me,

The daily encounters of chaos, chatter, confusion, frustration are all silenced by the whispers of my heart,

The longing for me is yet to end with the calming of the day,

The joining of two souls extends beyond the conscious mind,

The need is great, it's long, it's deep, it transmutes into physical exigency,

You wouldn't trade it, you couldn't trade it,

Your love for me.

And with the resting of my eyelids and a gentle exhale,

I know these feelings are so warm, so real, so true....but

Who genuinely speaks these words?

Are these your thoughts? Or mines?

Do you feel this feeling?

Or do I simply need you to? Or want you to?

...maybe you do love me ....but clearly

....not like I do you.

Why?

2008-07-07T21:19:00.002-04:00

Why do we ask why, when we usually already know the answer?
Why can't we have the love we want?
Why do we always complain, no matter how good things are?
Why do lovers cheat?
Why do we have to lose before we appreciate?
Why do we do things we know are wrong?
Why does love have to hurt?
Why do good things have to end?

Hmmmm......

2008-07-07T12:31:00.003-04:00

something for your mind, your body, and your soul,
it's the power to arouse curiousity,
the Purpose
the goal which one acts on,
a journey of force, hot like the sun and wet like the rain,
rhythmatic movements in unison with others
prolong an act of sensation with no limits or boundaries.
eternity is past
Wrong is right
it's the point of greatest intensity
pleasures of the highest sense,
feelings of warmth and security,
willing and unwilling sensations of the mind,
a condition
the ultimate seduction....
...The Realm

Written by R. D'Agostino, A. Mannino & D. Pino

Note To Self...

2008-07-02T08:44:00.003-04:00

Ok, ok I know. I suck. It's been about two weeks now since I've put up a new post. Obviously, I don't have MTB type traffic coming through here :), however when I was inspired to do this, it actually meant something to me. So anyhow, long story short, I've been busy but note to self....I'm back!

Say Word Moment: R Kelly found NOT GUILTY!

2008-06-13T16:02:00.004-04:00

TMZ reports,

A jury has found R. Kelly not guilty!

A jury acquitted the singer of all fourteen counts of child pornography.

NO comment for now...

Say Word Moment: Barack & Michelle

2008-06-05T19:13:00.002-04:00

I think this photo speaks for itself! Homey-lover-friend. I love these guys! :)

Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing......Proverbs 18:22

Life's Lessons: Letting Go

2008-06-02T10:11:00.007-04:00

How and when can you be sure when it's time to let go? Mary J said, "how can I love somebody else when I can't love myself enough to know when it's time to let go". It should be pretty obvious, right? But what if it's the case of that dang 80/20 rule? You know the concept, that in a relationship you're only gonna get 80% of what you need and often you leave that 80 thinking you're getting something better, when in fact you end up with just 20! What if it's that"20%" that's leading you astray? But hold up, who's to say that one doesn't NEED that 20.

Imagine this... me enjoying you, you enjoying me. Life is good. Sweet thoughts, sweet messages consume the day. Good days, good nights, good dates, good laughs. Life is good. No strings attached. You mind your business, I mind mines. It's all good....ya dig. Then time sets in ....

Intentions change, wants change, needs change, growth takes hold. What do we do?

Is it unacceptable that intentions have changed? Is it unreasonable that I want more? I've grown and so have my needs. Can you handle that? and Can I handle if you can't? Ummm....

Could you imagine THIS... me loving you, you loving me. Life is good. We become one. We make one. Life is good. I'm the ice in your tea, the seed in your pumpkin(corny I know), the perfect verse over your tight beat....ya dig. Ummm....

So it seems as though a crossroad emerges. Although I'm not a woman of ultimatums I am one of affirmations. Time waits for no one, and he won't wait for me. In the country we say, Mildew or Barbeque.

I can be all that you need me to be. What I can't do is force you to come along with me on this journey.

1 Corinthians 13:11When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

I'm ready to put away childish things .... are you? If not ....

... is it time to let go?

Think About It: Inspiration

2008-05-28T11:33:00.000-04:00

Isn't it funny how the smallest thing or unexpected person can be so inspiring? To be inspired...hmmm...feels good just thinking about it. Life can be so good. Yeah I know, sometimes it doesn't seem that way but it is.

To be inspired is such an experience in itself. It's like sitting on a beach waiting for the sun to set. That immediate emotion you feel as you begin to see the first sign of that fiery orange that seemingly careens against the waters. Your eyes intertwine with the rays, your mind only focused on that very moment, the calmness in your spirit, the freeness of your soul...pure inspiration, right? ......Maybe it's just me ;)

I love it. I love life. And the simplest things inspire me and make me appreciate everything life gives me.

It's like:

...sitting in the park with my daughter and watching her play so freely and innocently,

...the way the wind flows through the grass and gracefully dances with the trees,

...the way your smile reaches out and tickles my heart,

...the way your words speak to an unreachable place in my mind,

...the way a stranger knows me without knowing me.

It's .... loving like you've never been hurt before.

To friends, foe, lovers, strangers....thank you for inspiring me......

Think About It: Purpose

2008-05-27T22:12:00.000-04:00

PURPOSE:

Well the Encarta dictionary defines purpose as, the reason for which something exists or for which it has been done or made. Yeah...that seems fitting. However, it has to go a bit deeper than that. Of course, one's purpose is destined from above. But when and how do we make that "on earth..as it is in heaven"? I don't believe some of us are taught to live life purposefully. We are often given a set of instructions that should usually lead us to our "life's purpose". Be good...go to school...go to church...go get some more school...get a good job...get married...have some kids...keep working that good job until you can retire...retire....then die. Dang that sounds really bad when I actually type it word for word. LOL

It has to be more. I know just it. Amazingly, people often say..."oh well you should be satisfied, you've gone to school, you have a good job, you live comfortable...so what's your problem??" My daughter's father once told me, "you're just never satisfied; I'm a simple man so why can't you just be a regular woman who's satisfied with what you have...how much more do you want". WHAT? LOL Yeah needless to say, that's when I knew I was with the wrong man. That's just it..I'm not a regular woman. No offense to regular woman....whatever that is?? :) There's a burning passion within that just want settle with society's definition of completeness. I feel as though I've accomplished so much, but yet so little, all at the same time. I want more, I need more, I owe the world more. ....What is my purpose?

Clearly, right now this can't be it. I've followed the road map, for the most part, and now I find myself at the crossroad. Which way do I go, what way do I turn? Lord do you hear me? How can I not know what to do? Who can I tell? I'm supposed to have it all together? Remember black woman, you're suppose to be strong. Uncertainty reads weakness....right? Could it be I am my worse enemy? ...What is my purpose?

Could it be that the secret whispers that only I can hear are speaking yet I'm not listening? Umm. The question still exists....What is my purpose? What is the reason for which this something exists? .........And thus I ponder. My internal clock ticks. The search continues.....to find purpose, to find fulfillment, to find me.

Philippians 4:6 NIV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Life's Lessons: Am I Asking Too Much??

2008-05-14T23:28:00.000-04:00

Am I asking too much, when I need for you to hold me to just to make me feel better
Am I asking too much, when I’m asking for the little things you do to bring me laughter
Am I asking too much, I can’t wait another minute because I am running on empty
When I long for your touch, your touch, your touch, your touch

I think my girl Angie Stone couldn't have said it better......go with me now....

You know life teaches us that we are to accept and embrace it in its fullest. To realize that we are too blessed to be stressed and that in essence, none of us really have anything to complain about, right? Even the Good Book says in whatever state you're in....be content. (Philippians 4:11) Right??

But I'm just saying, at what point can I shamefully admit my degree of unhappiness?? Ok so, immediately one would look at that as a pretty strong statement. To actually admit that you're not as happy as YOU believe you COULD be. However, to me that cuts so much deeper than that. One thing life has profoundly taught me is that before you can place the blame on anyone or thing, you must always look in the mirror first. So wow, what that resonates to me is that....I'm part of the problem...OR all of the problem... Right?

Nah, I wouldn't go that far.LOL But the point to this takes me back to my original question...Am I Asking Too Much?? Better yet...When does a woman ask for too much? (I'm not talking about material things or gold diggers :) Is there an emotional limit to how much a man can give??

I don't believe so. I do believe however, people can only learn to love a certain way, to appreciate certain things and to be true emotional givers through self-inflicted life experiences. A man undoubtedly exbodies manhood when he understands a woman, her needs, her desires, her emotions, her true being. We, well I, need more ... more than a dinner, more than a movie, more than sex, more than clothes, more than shoes, more than trips, more than diamonds. It's the emotional connection, it's the way you love me and I love you. It's on a completely intangible level. It's a feeling, a desire, a need. It's like the necessity of air, water, food. It's the experience of life, love and happiness all wrapped in one. You live it, eat it, sleep it. You feel me.

So when I say I need romance, or intimacy. Don't intertwine that with society's definition of such. There is some, but I need more. Am I asking too much?

Self Help: Love

2008-05-07T10:29:00.000-04:00

I am often amazed by our declaration of love for others. Do we really understand the true essence of sharing, giving and being of love? I don't think so. Is it really possible as naturally selfish beings to love unconditional? Sure it's easy to say so but to love whole heartedly when it's not being reciprocated to you. To love when you're being hated. To love when you're being mistreated. To love when you're being neglected. To love those people or things that thirst for your demise. To love after love has proven to wreak havoc in your life. To love the abuser. To love the mental rapist. To love during the struggle of life. Are you with me?

Think of the most wonderful, indulging, peaceful moment of love you've ever experienced...and now can you honestly say that you could fluently give and experience that same love after what I've described above???

I long to be able to answer that question with the quickness...yes! But according to the love described in the Good Book, I know I'm not there yet.

I Corinthians:
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails ...

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.But the greatest of these is love.

Reflection: The Day and Hour Unknown

2008-05-06T14:33:00.000-04:00

Matthew 24

36"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.
37As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.
38For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark;
39and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man.
40Two men will be in the field; one will be taken and the other left.
41Two women will be grinding with a hand mill; one will be taken and the other left.

42"Therefore keep watch, because you do not know on what day your Lord will come.
43But understand this: If the owner of the house had known at what time of night the thief was coming, he would have kept watch and would not have let his house be broken into.
44So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.

Say Word Video: 7 yr old Steals Grandma's Whip

2008-05-02T15:31:00.000-04:00

Wow, here's another interesting video. However, it has the exact opposite effect of yesterday's post. I can't even bring myself to attempt to summarize this shamefulness, the title says most of it and his responses say so much more... My first reaction was, I would tear his little tail up (in the words of my mother)! However, some bigger questions exist, "Who failed this young child? When did they fail him, he's only 7? AND is it too late? Is he doomed to be yet another statistic of our beautiful, young black men??

I pray not.

Say Word Video: Lil' Mama - L.I.F.E.

2008-05-01T12:02:00.000-04:00

I must say I was a little shocked and surprised when I saw this video. For the most part, I never gave Lil' Mama or any of the other new young "rappers" a second thought. However, this is deep, thought-provoking and definitely outside of the norm. So Lil' Mama I tips my hat off to you for your contribution.

WOW...I iz here!

2008-03-12T21:59:00.000-04:00

Well, well. I have finally joined the Blog world. I think the title and definition above speaks for itself. Honestly I'm not sure what direction this blog is going to take. I do however feel as though, through person experience and growth, I have ten cents to offer.

I will attempt to examine and clarify my unique being...woMAN. Yes, I put emphasis on MAN. Yeah, yeah ladies I know. This is the millenium, we are independent, we don't need a man, blah, blah, blah. Sorry not here. My time of male bashing is over (I'll let you be the judge of that LOL). Ladies, as Katt Williams put it, if you are 25 years old or older and you are still saying "all men ain't sh*t", you may want to find out what it is about your p***y that attracts ain't sh*t n*gg*s!!! 2 funny!!! Don't get it twisted though. I have been dogged out...more than once! Yet my focus for where I am in life right now is....accountability.

So again, who knows what I will have to say and when I'll want to say it...but stay tuned!

P.S. Shout out to Don for the blog inspiration :)