Peaking (not peeking) through....

Something great is about to happen. Don't know what exactly. Don't really have any distinct indications of this happening but I'm certain it's near. Somehow it seems as though I just realized that four years of my life has past me. I'm sure I was there when it took place, but maybe I was somewhat asleep. Nah, I'm thinking I was awake but I may have lost myself along the way. I don't know but it's amazing how life will show you that as soon as you begin to think you know something ...#bam you know nothing.

One of the hardest things in life is when you realize things are not going to go as you planned. No matter how well-orchestrated that plan may have been. You know Christ really does know all because it often takes such reality checks to force you to draw closer to Him. This is month five of 2010 and this, I believe, has been the most non-defined, complex, confusing period I've ever experienced in life. It's easy when circumstances force you to make decisions. But what a test it is to have to step outside of your comfort zone and make decisions that you truly don't what to make but you have to make. We often blame others, our jobs, families, friends, enemies, and any other element for our own discomfort or unhappiness. However, what I've found is that we are largely to blame for the situations we are in and the people we allow to infiltrate our circle of serenity.

I wonder if we really understand the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference".

The unknown is what I once viewed as frightening but the wisdom of understanding the things I can and cannot change gives me such a different perspective. I can't tell you where I'll be 6 months, 12 months, or 24 months from now. Strangely enough for me, that's ok. It is something about a rebirth that is as innocent as the youth of a child. After many, many, many prayers for answers, directions, and confirmations, I have come to the conclusion that all that I have experienced is only positioning me for the road ahead. Thus, the answer won't be revealed on one sign rather through the cumulation of several signs over many miles.

Tomorrow will mark four years that I invested, loved, gave, shared, hoped, dreamed, planned, and believed in something special with someone special. I am only reminded of everything that isn't. Sometimes you can no longer give others the option to choose. Is it easy? no. Is it complicated? very. But. All is fair in love and war, right? It really is...what it is. And as much love as there is for you, I love me so much more. Selfish, you say? *smiles* You'll understand one day. I hope.

So flawed is she... yes. But I am certain the genuine, faithful, committed, humble, loving, Godly, moral, conscious-being in me will not exist in vain. It could only be peace from heaven that could keep a smile in my heart despite the different areas of life that have seemed to leak oxygen :) And somehow the flower still blooms.

I will not ask for anything else in my life until I am faithful over the many things that I've already been giving. Note to self: Your strive to help others has been hindered by your own brokenness. #wow

Think About It: Hurt

How can you understand hurt when you've never experienced it yourself? To me some things can ONLY be taught (or learned) through self experience. Point blank...no in between, no exceptions. First let's define hurt. We're not talking about getting your feelings hurt or being disappointed. We're talking about real hurt, real pain, real heartbreak. Humm, heartbreak....go with me for a moment.

Heartbreak is waking up, to only realize you never went to sleep. Heartbreak is when you literally feel pain aching through your chest, you can't eat and you can't think. Heartbreak is a lonely place with only you in it, it's dark and it's cold. There are blankets in this room but you don't have the strength to reach them. Desolate.... There's nothing or no one to console you. Minutes turn into hours, days into months and still no relief in sight. What have I ever done so bad to deserve this, you wonder? Heartbreak I tell you...is the place where tears run empty. If what I describe is unfamiliar to you, then rest assure you've never experienced hurt and surely you've never confronted heartbreak.

And the funny thing is, there is good that comes from heartbreak that makes it soooo worth it. Now one would question how the heck anything good could come from pain and heartbreak. You would think that from the heartbreak I describe a permanent vessel of scorn would be born. Maybe in some unfortunate cases that might be true but for most, not. You never fully understand what giving is until something has been taken from you. Make sense? LOL

How could that be?

I can only explain it the way I've come to know it. You live life so carefree, you love so careless, you live without living. Then one day life slaps you dead in the face and when you're able to cope, overcome and move forward you never, ever look at life the same. I now appreciate life and people. I'm now aware of how my actions affect others and most importantly, hurt has taught me how to love unselfishly, with thought and with consideration. I would never want to cause anyone the pain that was caused to me. Hurt ironically brings out our most conscious, enlightened, amorous being.

Hurt...it's life's gift to us.