Peaking (not peeking) through....

Something great is about to happen. Don't know what exactly. Don't really have any distinct indications of this happening but I'm certain it's near. Somehow it seems as though I just realized that four years of my life has past me. I'm sure I was there when it took place, but maybe I was somewhat asleep. Nah, I'm thinking I was awake but I may have lost myself along the way. I don't know but it's amazing how life will show you that as soon as you begin to think you know something ...#bam you know nothing.

One of the hardest things in life is when you realize things are not going to go as you planned. No matter how well-orchestrated that plan may have been. You know Christ really does know all because it often takes such reality checks to force you to draw closer to Him. This is month five of 2010 and this, I believe, has been the most non-defined, complex, confusing period I've ever experienced in life. It's easy when circumstances force you to make decisions. But what a test it is to have to step outside of your comfort zone and make decisions that you truly don't what to make but you have to make. We often blame others, our jobs, families, friends, enemies, and any other element for our own discomfort or unhappiness. However, what I've found is that we are largely to blame for the situations we are in and the people we allow to infiltrate our circle of serenity.

I wonder if we really understand the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference".

The unknown is what I once viewed as frightening but the wisdom of understanding the things I can and cannot change gives me such a different perspective. I can't tell you where I'll be 6 months, 12 months, or 24 months from now. Strangely enough for me, that's ok. It is something about a rebirth that is as innocent as the youth of a child. After many, many, many prayers for answers, directions, and confirmations, I have come to the conclusion that all that I have experienced is only positioning me for the road ahead. Thus, the answer won't be revealed on one sign rather through the cumulation of several signs over many miles.

Tomorrow will mark four years that I invested, loved, gave, shared, hoped, dreamed, planned, and believed in something special with someone special. I am only reminded of everything that isn't. Sometimes you can no longer give others the option to choose. Is it easy? no. Is it complicated? very. But. All is fair in love and war, right? It really is...what it is. And as much love as there is for you, I love me so much more. Selfish, you say? *smiles* You'll understand one day. I hope.

So flawed is she... yes. But I am certain the genuine, faithful, committed, humble, loving, Godly, moral, conscious-being in me will not exist in vain. It could only be peace from heaven that could keep a smile in my heart despite the different areas of life that have seemed to leak oxygen :) And somehow the flower still blooms.

I will not ask for anything else in my life until I am faithful over the many things that I've already been giving. Note to self: Your strive to help others has been hindered by your own brokenness. #wow

They're out to bury you....

it's life versus death, ignorance versus ego, a book versus a gun, and our babies just trying to live...

I sit and wonder where exactly are we headed. I mean on a spiritual level, I am certain the end is near so some things will take place divinely regardless. But the future of us, our community, our families, our plain ol' moral disposition. We have to see a distinct contrast between the generation that came before us and the generation that will proceed us. How could one generation sacrifice so much for another and yet we seemingly could care less about the next?

Of course, that can't be so. We do care, right?? I promise you it's almost like I woke up one day and realized folk transformed into one-track minded individuals. Caring only for self. My God, what happened to our backbone, our structure, our faith, our love, our respect... man, the world in which I'm raising a daughter is quite scary.

I'm a bit angry. I'm angry at those who are angry with the way things are and the way our youth seem to be lost. The thing is I had direction, I had teachers, I had role models (real ones not stars)...I had hope. So I say to those who are angry what role did (are) you play in teaching, guiding, supporting, encouraging??? Every day I'm amazed at the lack of substance that some of our folk seem to have. Grown folk, those who know better, but choose to make excuses for their behavior and obsolete conscious. I only wonder do we fully grasp what we're up against. In the midst of excuses, when are we going to pull together, take responsibility and clean up our own communities. Yet that poses the question, how on earth can we possibly build our communities when the root of the community, our families, is decaying?

Damn.

And I'll be honest, the more I think about our fate, I get angry at myself. Because the question is...Rook what you gonna do about it??? *drops pen*

Stay tuned.

They're out to bury me. They're out to bury you. We better arm ourselves.

This Tuesday.

As this day comes to a close, I sit and wonder how exactly did I get here. I mean this place, at this time, at this point in my life. Guess what they say is true...want to make God laugh...tell him your plans. And boy did I have plans and still do. I just wouldn't have quite thought they would have played out this way.

You know I hate feeling sorry for myself. I mean who am I? To really have the audacity to question or be dissatisfied with my current place in this life. I often wonder how many things do I really have buried so deep away even a miner couldn't find it. I mean all I've ever known was to do, to go, to strive, to be. Strength. I had to have it. My mother had it and in my eyes she never missed a beat.

So yes, all these years I've been the strong woman. Enduring but pressing. On and on I've went, making plans, executing them, and enjoying the fruits of my labor. Yet, it's still not enough. I've hit a boulder in the middle of the road and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. This may sound normal but you don't understand I am Rook. I always know the next move. I always have the eye of strategy. And yet for the first time, everything around me has stopped. Or maybe everything else is moving and I'm the one motionless.

I'm tired of being disappointed and my mind is bothered that I even care I've been disappointed. I am supposed to be invincible. Yeah I know, you can laugh. But you don't understand my story. Or the story of so many other woman who make it happen, by almost any means necessary regardless of the inner leeches that seek to destroy...all with a smile on your face.

So what am I saying? I don't know :/ Strength, focus, drive, motivation, JESUS...I need ya... One wise brother said today, "All hell is breaking loose because you are right on the verge of the most revolutionary time in your life!!"

...to be continued....

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the SMILE on your face -Tyrese

Better.

There sometimes comes a point in your life when you decide to do better.
Love better.
Give better.
Think better.

You look at past mistakes and failures and vow never again.
That thing called conscious emerges from within and serves as your life's permanent pilot.
You laugh, you love, you sing, and you live.


Broken hearts, bad seeds sown, and life's lessons.
Are a mere reminder of how far you've come.
How better you now are. And will be.

A personal mission to be the change you want to see in the world.
Real love.
True honor.
Unmeasurable respect.

If only society knew what you knew.
If only others understood your true meaning of love.
If only your heart's rhythm resonated through those in doubt.

then.
if only.
If only these words had remained true.

If only better had of really been better.
But once again the sun has come down.
All deeds of progression have come to a halt.

Yeah you know all the great adages about life and love.
Doesn't matter.
Irrelevant.

How do you convince yourself to forget your new found pain.
And just keep getting better.
HOW can your strive for better-ness seem to always end in worse-ness?

Left alone to wonder how did you get here?
How could love have led you astray?
What is love anyway, you wonder.

There's the heart, there's the mind, and then there's the truth.
Who's to blame?
Love. Life. or maybe Better.

So what's next?

The End.

Stay tuned...

..still ironing out some wrinkles. Tired of fooling with code tonight...to be continued :)

I'm still here!! LOL

Ok, Ok...I know its been a minute..I'm actually still not technically back but at the request of a special blogger, I thought I'd make a post :) I'm really thinking about taking this blog in a whole new direction. Whether or not anyone will visit...doesn't really matter LOL It will be more of a release for me. Anyhoo....here is an update of some MORE foolishness going on in the world of politics SMH...

Stay tuned...more to come....one day...soon...don't know when!! :)

Owens Breaks 4 Campaign Promises in first hour in Congress

GOUVERNEUR, NY - Congressman-elect Bill Owens was sworn in at noon today.

Owens indicated in a press release released shortly afterwards that he was now in favor of the the "Affordable Healthcare for America Act" bill in direct contrast to his earlier position during the election campaign.

According to Politico.com, Mr. Owens assured voters that he felt the public option had no place in the health care reform bill. Contrary to that position, Mr. Owens now indicates that he intends to vote in favor of the bill even though it now contains a public option.

Mr. Owens also indicated during his campaign that he was firmly opposed to cutting Medicare benefits, taxing health care benefits, and increased taxes on the middle class in any way as you can see clearly in the screenshot below, taken directly from Mr. Owens' campaign website.

The House Health reform bill contains sections that cut Medicare benefits, tax existing health care benefits, and increases taxes on the middle class, yet Mr. Owens stated today that he will now vote in favor of those things contrary to what he had promised the voters of NY's 23rd Congressional District that he would vote against.

Some highlights:

-HR 3962 also includes a range of various taxes on middle-class families as well as language to repeal tax relief already in place.

-HR 3962 now also contains language that allows illegal immigrants to be covered under the legislation.

-In a speech made to Congress a short time ago, President Obama had stated that the bill would not contain support for illegal immigrants - a statement for which he was called a "liar" by Rep. Joe Wilson.

Source

What does father's day mean to me?

It's amazing the things I can remember from childhood. I remember the days my mother lived as a single mother who had to work 3rd shift and then I remember when I was about 7 my mother got married to my stepfather. He has been me, my sister and my brother's dad every since. He came in and loved us as we were his own and we always called him daddy.

I honestly never thought about my "real" father. I truly believed that his presence was none existent and not in a bad way. I never went through the "I hate him, why isn't he here?" stage because I felt I had a daddy and that's all that mattered. The older I became I sometimes heard people relate how I dealt with certain issues to the fact that I never had my biological father in my life. I thought that was utterly ridiculous. How could I want or need something I never had or better yet, how could I want or need something that I did indeed already have??!

So today many years later, I sit and wonder and reflect back on my life. It just recently dawned on me that the man who was responsible for my life never once made an effort to get to know me. Not one birthday, not one school event, not one holiday, not one phone call, and not one single thought of me (that I know of, anyway). I remember after I graduated high school my mother told me she received notice in the mail to appear in court. After 18 years of absence and barely paying a measly $25/wk (which he was behind $8k at the time), this man had the audacity to file a motion with the court to make sure his child support was ended b/c I was 18.

Out of all the things to remember I guess when I turned 18, was the most important. At that time I had no visual memory of this man so I decided that I would accompany my mother to court that day. So I drove three hours and sat patiently waiting for the case to be called. Waiting to get a glimpse of the man everyone said I greatly favored. Everything went very swiftly and with only a few words spoken the case had ended just like that. So my mother and I got up and walked out. It was a very small courthouse so we knew he would have to pass us to exit out. I stood and waited. Not sure exactly what I was waiting for. To see him up close?? Maybe to see if he had anything to say to me?? I don't know. Then just like that he walked by us, not even blinking, got in his car and left. Not one word. No eye contact. Just stormed out and left.

How do I feel now? I feel fine. At least I think so. Sometimes I wonder if there truly is a pain that exist but is hidden so deep, I convince myself its not there. One thing I do know is, God has giving me a forgiving heart and all is well in my soul :)

Today, on Father's Day, I thank the man who is and has always been my daddy. I pray for my biological one and hope before he leaves this earth he realizes the err of his ways. To all the wonderful fathers in this world, you are so greatly loved and appreciated. To all the uncles, cousins, brothers, mentors, neighbors, etc. who step up and act as fathers...thank you. To all the single mothers who have to be fathers too....job well done. And to the bitter, hateful women who want allow their children to see their fathers...shame on you. Realize that life is not all about you and do what is right. NO ONE can every replace the love a man gives.....Happy Father's Day!

Is God Going Out of Style??

I am often amazed at the lack-of God's love shown by Christians or better yet, "church folks". They can sometimes quote numerous scriptures and chastise others for not abiding by the Word of God but yet fail to apply the scripture to themselves and LIVE the Word they are professing. Some would argue that the bible is a matter of interpretation and that is somewhat true. However, the most riveting, non-disputable facet of the bible is Jesus Christ. The life he lived, the power of his love, the selflessness of his death and the unwavering measure of His grace and mercy. Somehow Christ has become diluted in the lives of Christians. The bitter, confrontational, judgmental, unforgiving, unloving behavior of some does not mirror the Jesus I know.

What we fail to realize is that we cannot force people to believe what we believe. It's call choice. Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. (Rev3:20) It does not say behold I stand at the door and knock, whether or not any man hears my voice, I am busting the door in and forcing him to believe because I know his soul is headed for destruction.

T.D. Jakes writes:
Many times majority groups think that their views control the country, which for me as a Christian is a great idea. But what happens when and if the numbers switch and we aren’t the majority? The founding fathers created a democratic system that separated church from state so that, as a country, we could avoid the slippery slope of getting into the business of telling people what to believe. That is a job they left to be determined by the individual, the synagogue, the mosque and the church!

A country that has one national religion as its only compass is much more of a theocracy than a democracy. That kind of tyranny leads to witch burning, spiritual genocide, forced and fraudulent expressions of faith, and God knows what else. As wonderful as faith is, faith out of control can be lethal.

I love democracy because it is designed to keep the government from telling me when and how to serve communion, and it allows room for debate without dominance. Religious people will never agree on everything within or outside of the bounds of the church. Democracy allows that debate without polluting it further with political intervention as long as that debate doesn’t infringe on another human’s rights. Lately, it is my view that religion has become increasingly a servant to politics, and whenever a flame is needed to move a candidate or party closer to power, they ignite the flame of the faith community by playing on controversial issues and fear. This isn’t new religious jargon; it’s the same lingo that moved the civil rights movement forward. It disannulled the religious language that slave owners used to justify their hideous abuse of African men and women in our history. Communism enforced an atheistic view that denied its citizens the pursuit of an open practice of faith.

Why is it that:

• We only show up to fight other people in the press, but never to love anyone or help anyone. We appear angry and militant,
• Faith groups are locked behind stained glass windows while other groups and ideas have taken their messages to Hollywood and elsewhere, reaching people where they are, rather than asking people to come to them,
• We have allowed our message to become contaminated with politics and self-interest,
• Religious people and their self-righteous piety have lost the respect of the secular world.

Could it be:

• Faith is leaving organized religion and becoming a matter of personal relationships that are seemingly more meaningful than associations incubated behind hallowed walls.

Coming Soon: Food, Inc

I've been away for a bit now but I'll be back shortly with somewhat of a new direction for this "blog" :) Here's a must see movie (at least I think so) coming June 12th. Question for the day: Do you know what you're eating???

In Food, Inc., filmmaker Robert Kenner lifts the veil on our nation's food industry, exposing the highly mechanized underbelly that's been hidden from the American consumer with the consent of our government's regulatory agencies, USDA and FDA. Our nation's food supply is now controlled by a handful of corporations that often put profit ahead of consumer health, the livelihood of the American farmer, the safety of workers and our own environment. We have bigger-breasted chickens, the perfect pork chop, insecticide-resistant soybean seeds, even tomatoes that won't go bad, but we also have new strains of e coli--the harmful bacteria that causes illness for an estimated 73,000 Americans annually. We are riddled with widespread obesity, particularly among children, and an epidemic level of diabetes among adults.

Food, Inc. reveals surprising -- and often shocking truths -- about what we eat, how it's produced, who we have become as a nation and where we are going from here.

Say Word Video: OUR Government

Ok ok, I know it's been awhile. But moving right along :).... I'm so sick of our trifling government I don't know what to do. The lies, the mind control, the blatant deception from our food supply to our basic privacy rights. I'm not sure if I should just start a new blog, "Our Government and the Bull They Want You to Believe"!! LOL I don't know, I'll have to get back to you on that one. But for now, here are a few videos concerning our wonderful government. I already know some of you will simply chalk up my next few posts to conspiracy theory nonsense and hey, I say, believe what you want OR better yet believe what they want you to! Ya dig.

I'm refreshed....

Yeah I know. I've been missing for a minute. Aside from just being busy, I just haven't been motivated to write. Not that I'm here writing novels or anything but something has to push my fingers to type or else they want move. Make sense? LOL My birthday is next week and I'm so excited and blessed to have made it through another year. I wouldn't allow myself to list one complaint, even if I kinda wanted to :)

I've heard change is DIVINE in '09. So I can't wait to see what the new year has in store.

Could It Be.....President Barack Obama

I love these guys. Just no words.....

Who are you?

Are you to blame?
Of course not.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

I've never acknowledged your existence,
Never given power to your name.
Never needed you then, or now.
Or maybe I did, or do.
But who are you?

Did your absence in my mind,
flee to your presence in my soul?
Couldn't be.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

How can I miss what I never had?
How could you dismiss the essence of you?
I couldn't care.
Or maybe.
But who are you?

Strong and independent is the only being I know.
Past failures are mines, not yours.
But what if....what if you created this botch.
Could you admit that?
Would I accept that?
But who are you?

No memories of you.
Only the ones I made up in my dreams.
The woman in me want allow me to go back.
There's nothing left to fix.
He did what you were never man enough to do.

So on I go....
No hate for you, only love,
but why daddy,
do I ask....
Who are you?

Sometimes

Sometimes in life, you don't get second chances.

Sometimes in love, you lose.

Sometimes, sorry isn't enough.

Sometimes, realization comes a little too late.

Sometimes, joy ends in pain.

Sometimes, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

Sometimes, time isn't on your side.

Sometimes, if loving you is wrong...I DO wanna be right.

Sometimes, love loves conditionally.

Sometimes, love doesn't have anything to do with it.

Sometimes, you don't miss the wind until it fails to soothe your soul.

Sometimes, love can love you and leave you.

Sometimes, a hurricane is the only way to wash away the pain.

Sometimes, like this time, it can't be undone...

Sometimes, just sometimes... it is the door closer.

And sometimes, the some time is the now time.

Think About It: Hurt

How can you understand hurt when you've never experienced it yourself? To me some things can ONLY be taught (or learned) through self experience. Point blank...no in between, no exceptions. First let's define hurt. We're not talking about getting your feelings hurt or being disappointed. We're talking about real hurt, real pain, real heartbreak. Humm, heartbreak....go with me for a moment.

Heartbreak is waking up, to only realize you never went to sleep. Heartbreak is when you literally feel pain aching through your chest, you can't eat and you can't think. Heartbreak is a lonely place with only you in it, it's dark and it's cold. There are blankets in this room but you don't have the strength to reach them. Desolate.... There's nothing or no one to console you. Minutes turn into hours, days into months and still no relief in sight. What have I ever done so bad to deserve this, you wonder? Heartbreak I tell you...is the place where tears run empty. If what I describe is unfamiliar to you, then rest assure you've never experienced hurt and surely you've never confronted heartbreak.

And the funny thing is, there is good that comes from heartbreak that makes it soooo worth it. Now one would question how the heck anything good could come from pain and heartbreak. You would think that from the heartbreak I describe a permanent vessel of scorn would be born. Maybe in some unfortunate cases that might be true but for most, not. You never fully understand what giving is until something has been taken from you. Make sense? LOL

How could that be?

I can only explain it the way I've come to know it. You live life so carefree, you love so careless, you live without living. Then one day life slaps you dead in the face and when you're able to cope, overcome and move forward you never, ever look at life the same. I now appreciate life and people. I'm now aware of how my actions affect others and most importantly, hurt has taught me how to love unselfishly, with thought and with consideration. I would never want to cause anyone the pain that was caused to me. Hurt ironically brings out our most conscious, enlightened, amorous being.

Hurt...it's life's gift to us.

Say Word Video: "Our" US of A

I often wonder about those who claim to be "Christians" and to love God. I don't know of a Jesus of hate and division. I often wonder if people read. Because the Jesus I read about is of love and peace. Love, the most misconstrued word there is. I really wish people knew and genuinely understood the true meaning of that word. You know, I really want to be angry about the same ignorant mentality that exists today, and to be honest I somewhat am. But I'm more sad and disappointed. Yet, there is still peace within. I will never take my eye off the prize. I will never allow the hatred of others to force me to spew the same. Despite the bad, there is good. Despite hate, there is love. Despite darkness, there is sunshine. I love life and all that it brings. And instead of focusing on the bad things I can't change, I will focus on the things I can change. It's easy to say what should or shouldn't be, but ask yourself what are you doing to make things better? If you don't have an answer, you may just be one of the ones making it worse??? Ya dig.

Video: Just for Laughs!

SNL - VP Debate

Hummm...What??

Katie Couric: Why isn't it better, Gov. Palin, to spend $700 billion helping middle-class families who are struggling with health care, housing, gas and groceries; allow them to spend more and put more money into the economy instead of helping these big financial institutions that played a role in creating this mess?

Gov. Sarah Palin: That's why I say I, like every American I'm speaking with, we're ill about this position that we have been put in where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the health-care reform that is needed to help shore up our economy, helping the -- it's got to be all about job creation, too, shoring up our economy and putting it back on the right track. So health-care reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans. And trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, scary thing. But one in five jobs being created in the trade sector today, we've got to look at that as more opportunity. All those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that.

AND just for fun....

Couric: You've said, quote, "John McCain will reform the way Wall Street does business." Other than supporting stricter regulations of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac two years ago, can you give us any more example of his leading the charge for more oversight?

Palin: I think that the example that you just cited, with his warnings two years ago about Fannie and Freddie - that, that's paramount. That's more than a heck of a lot of other senators and representatives did for us.

Couric: But he's been in Congress for 26 years. He's been chairman of the powerful Commerce Committee. And he has almost always sided with less regulation, not more.

Palin: He's also known as the maverick though, taking shots from his own party, and certainly taking shots from the other party. Trying to get people to understand what he's been talking about - the need to reform government.

Couric: But can you give me any other concrete examples? Because I know you've said Barack Obama is a lot of talk and no action. Can you give me any other examples in his 26 years of John McCain truly taking a stand on this?

Palin: I can give you examples of things that John McCain has done, that has shown his foresight, his pragmatism, and his leadership abilities. And that is what America needs today.

Couric: I'm just going to ask you one more time - not to belabor the point. Specific examples in his 26 years of pushing for more regulation.

Palin: I'll try to find you some and I'll bring them to you. WHAT????


(Source, CNN)
(Source, CBSNews)

Video: ---"Mrs. Maverick"

It's Monday, the bailout failed (not that I'm suggesting it shouldn't have), the Dow is down 600 points, and I don't know about you but I need a good laugh... No description needed!!

I'm Tired

Yeah I know. I've been MIA for a couple of weeks. Well what can I say. I just haven't been motivated to write anything. First off, let me say I in no way consider myself to be a "writer" but for me I have to feel like writing. And for some reason my fingers haven't been able to translate the chaos cluttering my brain waves. I'm just tired... mentally.

I'm a fixer, that's what I do. From professional to personal, I study, analyze, formalute solutions, execute test and voila....I fix things! So I have problems when I'm confronted with something, that I may not be able fix. Truth is I'm not sure if I even what to be a fixer anymore. I just wonder what happens between the point where you want to fix and the point where you don't want to fix. Dang, what happens? The more I think I'm wiser, the more I see I'm still a young dummy. LOL Better than an old fool, I guess.

I've never been a person to quit, but I'm tired. Not one ounce of fight left in me, not one grain of motivation in sight....even the reservoir is on E. What do you do when you see, what you thought was your future, go right down the drain? And surprisingly a part of you doesn't even care. Man, when you've given until there's nothing left to give...when your cries of despair have fallen upon deaf ears...when you saw the storm coming. What now?

I'm tired. And I just wonder where the fight comes from in other relationships that seem to stand the test of time. Who said fight anyway? Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Or maybe it was and we were just meant to regret things later. Who knows. How can 80% be on point but the dreaded 20% stand so strong? Who the heck said 20% was insignificant anyway?? Too many questions, but yet no answers. Whatever, I'm pretty sure none of this will make sense tomorrow :)......I'm going to bed.


You Who Never Spoke Your Feelings, So Many Times I Tried To Tell You, That You Were Losing Me, But You Never Tried To Make Things Better, You Didnt Choose To See My Pain, Now I've Got One Thing Left To Say, It Was You