Peaking (not peeking) through....

Something great is about to happen. Don't know what exactly. Don't really have any distinct indications of this happening but I'm certain it's near. Somehow it seems as though I just realized that four years of my life has past me. I'm sure I was there when it took place, but maybe I was somewhat asleep. Nah, I'm thinking I was awake but I may have lost myself along the way. I don't know but it's amazing how life will show you that as soon as you begin to think you know something ...#bam you know nothing.

One of the hardest things in life is when you realize things are not going to go as you planned. No matter how well-orchestrated that plan may have been. You know Christ really does know all because it often takes such reality checks to force you to draw closer to Him. This is month five of 2010 and this, I believe, has been the most non-defined, complex, confusing period I've ever experienced in life. It's easy when circumstances force you to make decisions. But what a test it is to have to step outside of your comfort zone and make decisions that you truly don't what to make but you have to make. We often blame others, our jobs, families, friends, enemies, and any other element for our own discomfort or unhappiness. However, what I've found is that we are largely to blame for the situations we are in and the people we allow to infiltrate our circle of serenity.

I wonder if we really understand the Serenity Prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things that I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference".

The unknown is what I once viewed as frightening but the wisdom of understanding the things I can and cannot change gives me such a different perspective. I can't tell you where I'll be 6 months, 12 months, or 24 months from now. Strangely enough for me, that's ok. It is something about a rebirth that is as innocent as the youth of a child. After many, many, many prayers for answers, directions, and confirmations, I have come to the conclusion that all that I have experienced is only positioning me for the road ahead. Thus, the answer won't be revealed on one sign rather through the cumulation of several signs over many miles.

Tomorrow will mark four years that I invested, loved, gave, shared, hoped, dreamed, planned, and believed in something special with someone special. I am only reminded of everything that isn't. Sometimes you can no longer give others the option to choose. Is it easy? no. Is it complicated? very. But. All is fair in love and war, right? It really is...what it is. And as much love as there is for you, I love me so much more. Selfish, you say? *smiles* You'll understand one day. I hope.

So flawed is she... yes. But I am certain the genuine, faithful, committed, humble, loving, Godly, moral, conscious-being in me will not exist in vain. It could only be peace from heaven that could keep a smile in my heart despite the different areas of life that have seemed to leak oxygen :) And somehow the flower still blooms.

I will not ask for anything else in my life until I am faithful over the many things that I've already been giving. Note to self: Your strive to help others has been hindered by your own brokenness. #wow

They're out to bury you....

it's life versus death, ignorance versus ego, a book versus a gun, and our babies just trying to live...

I sit and wonder where exactly are we headed. I mean on a spiritual level, I am certain the end is near so some things will take place divinely regardless. But the future of us, our community, our families, our plain ol' moral disposition. We have to see a distinct contrast between the generation that came before us and the generation that will proceed us. How could one generation sacrifice so much for another and yet we seemingly could care less about the next?

Of course, that can't be so. We do care, right?? I promise you it's almost like I woke up one day and realized folk transformed into one-track minded individuals. Caring only for self. My God, what happened to our backbone, our structure, our faith, our love, our respect... man, the world in which I'm raising a daughter is quite scary.

I'm a bit angry. I'm angry at those who are angry with the way things are and the way our youth seem to be lost. The thing is I had direction, I had teachers, I had role models (real ones not stars)...I had hope. So I say to those who are angry what role did (are) you play in teaching, guiding, supporting, encouraging??? Every day I'm amazed at the lack of substance that some of our folk seem to have. Grown folk, those who know better, but choose to make excuses for their behavior and obsolete conscious. I only wonder do we fully grasp what we're up against. In the midst of excuses, when are we going to pull together, take responsibility and clean up our own communities. Yet that poses the question, how on earth can we possibly build our communities when the root of the community, our families, is decaying?

Damn.

And I'll be honest, the more I think about our fate, I get angry at myself. Because the question is...Rook what you gonna do about it??? *drops pen*

Stay tuned.

They're out to bury me. They're out to bury you. We better arm ourselves.

This Tuesday.

As this day comes to a close, I sit and wonder how exactly did I get here. I mean this place, at this time, at this point in my life. Guess what they say is true...want to make God laugh...tell him your plans. And boy did I have plans and still do. I just wouldn't have quite thought they would have played out this way.

You know I hate feeling sorry for myself. I mean who am I? To really have the audacity to question or be dissatisfied with my current place in this life. I often wonder how many things do I really have buried so deep away even a miner couldn't find it. I mean all I've ever known was to do, to go, to strive, to be. Strength. I had to have it. My mother had it and in my eyes she never missed a beat.

So yes, all these years I've been the strong woman. Enduring but pressing. On and on I've went, making plans, executing them, and enjoying the fruits of my labor. Yet, it's still not enough. I've hit a boulder in the middle of the road and I haven't the slightest clue what to do. This may sound normal but you don't understand I am Rook. I always know the next move. I always have the eye of strategy. And yet for the first time, everything around me has stopped. Or maybe everything else is moving and I'm the one motionless.

I'm tired of being disappointed and my mind is bothered that I even care I've been disappointed. I am supposed to be invincible. Yeah I know, you can laugh. But you don't understand my story. Or the story of so many other woman who make it happen, by almost any means necessary regardless of the inner leeches that seek to destroy...all with a smile on your face.

So what am I saying? I don't know :/ Strength, focus, drive, motivation, JESUS...I need ya... One wise brother said today, "All hell is breaking loose because you are right on the verge of the most revolutionary time in your life!!"

...to be continued....

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the SMILE on your face -Tyrese

Better.

There sometimes comes a point in your life when you decide to do better.
Love better.
Give better.
Think better.

You look at past mistakes and failures and vow never again.
That thing called conscious emerges from within and serves as your life's permanent pilot.
You laugh, you love, you sing, and you live.


Broken hearts, bad seeds sown, and life's lessons.
Are a mere reminder of how far you've come.
How better you now are. And will be.

A personal mission to be the change you want to see in the world.
Real love.
True honor.
Unmeasurable respect.

If only society knew what you knew.
If only others understood your true meaning of love.
If only your heart's rhythm resonated through those in doubt.

then.
if only.
If only these words had remained true.

If only better had of really been better.
But once again the sun has come down.
All deeds of progression have come to a halt.

Yeah you know all the great adages about life and love.
Doesn't matter.
Irrelevant.

How do you convince yourself to forget your new found pain.
And just keep getting better.
HOW can your strive for better-ness seem to always end in worse-ness?

Left alone to wonder how did you get here?
How could love have led you astray?
What is love anyway, you wonder.

There's the heart, there's the mind, and then there's the truth.
Who's to blame?
Love. Life. or maybe Better.

So what's next?

The End.